i have been struggling most of my waking life. maybe here and there (but not everywhere!) i would have moments of happiness, but most of it has been a struggle. pick a struggle. my health, my friendships, my social life, my general streaky performance, my habits. the list goes on and on.
even when i was a wee lad, i didn't go to kindergarten. according to my mom, i just didnt like being there. i ended up being raised by my grandma, who luckily enough was staying at our home, and not somewhere else. it was a solid time, full of play. i distinctly remember going on my brothers computer, and running around our houses garden. the garden was actually located, technically, above our house. our house (and the street, in general) stretched up a hill. so when you were at the garden, you could see the house above you, the house below you, and a beautiful horizon drenched with sea, hills and an island. i remember being told ghost stories about the island. spooky stuff.
the first four grades of middle school were the best. i was helped in studies by my mom and grandma, and i got along very easily with my peers. this was also the time i got access to the internet. i felt like columbus, discovering a whole new world. the internet, and all that it brought and still brings, is easily my favorite place to be. i just hope that it doesn't turn into an AI dystopian hellhole, which is seemingly the trajectory it's heading. in retrospect, social media really did ruin the internet. i had a lot more fun looking up forums.
...getting back on topic. i had to move schools, and it felt really sad. i had a lot of good connections and generally i was feeling very happy at the time. however, the move was necessary as my parents wanted a house of our own. i was so pissed and i didn't want any sort of move. at the beginning it wasn't that bad, but soon enough it got worse.
i didn't feel like i belonged. i had trouble maintaining conversation with my peers. i had trouble connecting with my peers. schoolwork was... alright. i became independent in my studies, and soon enough the ADHD signs started to creep in (which i didn't recognize). last minute homework and assignments, hyperfocus on computers, video games and the internet, generally no habits or structure to my day outside of going to school.
one moment that stands out to me was summer camp. i went to a rusyn summer camp, where activities revolved around learning the culture and studying the language. i liked the programme. i didn't like the people around it, of course. to start off, it was a mixed age group. there were the 10-11 year olds (which i was a part of) and the 14-15 years olds. i felt like a comical mismatch amongst all of them. what made it worse was that one of the 14-15 year old girls had a thing for me.
i didn't want anything to do with her. she was a pretty girl, but i didn't really care for relationships at the time. what made it worse was the constant social pressure. everyone knew about it, and it was the fucking social spectacle of the whole camp. i was staying in room with my "friends", and those friends were all about showing me what to do with her and showed me some bullshit youtube video about making out. there were constant back and forths between my room and her room. everybody was hyped for it, except for me and her. she was very shy in regards to the whole affair. in retrospect, we shared some similarities in how we handled it all. she also had annoying friends who pushed her to do all this.
it was a match orchestrated by the agents of hell. we ended up sharing a kiss, but it was the most socially forced kiss ever that i not only dont remember it, but as soon as we kissed i left the room. it was extremely aromantic. i remember crying nights at camp, and calling my mother to return home. my parents didnt come for me until the last day.
summer camp left a mark on me. i think it was the turning point in my mood. i soon became more withdrawn and more asocial. all i had left was the internet and video games.